"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. May your coming year be a wonderful thing in which you dream both dangerously and outrageously. I hope you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and you will be liked and you will have people to love and to like in return. And most importantly, because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now - I hope that you will, when you need to be, be wise and that you will always be kind. And I hope that somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."
While it appears to be a mashup of two of his previous messages for the new year, according to his blog, it remains truly inspirational. It is still, however, missing his message for this new year, which I also appreciated:
"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.
So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.
Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever."
I make a lot of mistakes, and I do plan to make many more this year by doing things that 1.) nobody's ever done before (ie, through the particular things I am arguing for in my writing), and 2.) pushing and changing myself, and not worrying at the time whether it's good enough (also related to my writing and the absolutely horrific peer review process). I think that perhaps I also need to allow myself to make mistakes about what I choose to do after I finish my PhD. I don't have any idea where I'm going to end up, or what I'm going to do, and I've been worrying about it a lot. So, maybe I should just be okay with doing what comes up... with making a decision that ultimately might not be the best/smartest/most sensible choice, but one that is good in that it helps me to learn, and maybe even allows me to have some fun after finishing the mammoth task that is a PhD.
I have begun to learn that being kind to myself at times when I would have normally given myself a thoroughly destructive emotional whupping, is actually far more helpful and productive. Take this month, for example - by the time I finished giving my students their exams in the first week of December, I was feeling pretty burned out. And I knew that I needed to work... and part of me wanted to work... but I couldn't do it. Didn't feel like it. And so, instead of performing a repeat of the dissertation-proposal-disaster-holiday-season that occurred two years ago, I decided to just not work, and to do so with no guilt. And so I did lots of other fun stuff instead! I made a pretty skirt to go around the bottom of my Yule tree.. I baked and decorated a batch of gingerbread cookies... I had an incredibly fun time with a couple of out-of-town guests... and I read graphic novels with colourful pictures, which my brain really appreciated. And, lo and behold, I suddenly felt very creative and motivated again. I updated my vision board because I was inspired to, and I crafted a very stern work schedule that's going to begin on Monday. The best part is that I don't hate my work anymore, and I actually want to work on it every day. :)
And, speaking of doing things we've never done before, I have let myself entertain the idea that I don't need to have an unhealthy work schedule anymore. I had convinced myself that I could only work productively at night - a schedule that has had me up at crazy nocturnal hours, eating two meals per day, and feeling anxious about having to get up to do anything in the morning. However, the past couple of weeks I've actually been in bed by 2am most mornings, and I WANT to be in bed even earlier, which is the odd part. I've also pushed myself to try new activities at the prompting of my chiropractor, who was concerned about my right hip being so painful and not improving after much therapy (it's still compensating for my left knee, of course). He mandated a yoga-and-spinning-only schedule for a month, and whilst I'd wanted to try both of those things, I had convinced myself I didn't want to give up my wonderfully flexible schedule, that I couldn't handle having to appear at the gym at a specific time to take a class. And, to be quite honest, I think I was also afraid to try. I'm one of those people who gets really frustrated trying to do something the first time, and I (foolishly) expect myself to be good at it right away. Throw into the mix a body that's still healing from surgery and a long-term injury and still can't do everyday things all the time... and well, trying two new activities was a daunting prospect. But since I didn't have a choice, I tried them both (on the same morning, no less!), and liked them both. (Okay, so I like yoga more than spinning, and I've been slacking on the latter, opting to jog on the treadmill instead... which I was also convinced I didn't like, lol.) That said, there have been challenging moments - in a class two weeks ago I almost started crying because I got so frustrated by all the things I couldn't do - but I've absolutely seen myself improve in the last month since I started, and although my hip isn't perfect and still has bad days, overall my whole body is happier. And that is pretty cool. I'm excited to set some new training goals for myself (with yoga as part of my program), and am happy to be eating proper meals again.
So, yeah - big changes. And more to come. I'm a little scared about this rigid weekly schedule I'm putting myself on, but I know that if I don't, this dissertation won't get done, and I will instead spend all of my time preparing for the class I'm teaching this semester. 2011 was a very difficult year for me personally, but it was a year where I learned a lot, made more wonderful friends, and it was the year that my research ideas finally coalesced into something coherent that I can write about. I want 2012 to be the year that I see the fruits of my labour, when I complete this long drawn-out phase of my life and embark on a new adventure - with confidence, knowledge, and the courage to make more beautiful mistakes.
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