It's my last night in BC (at mum's) before dad and I drive back to Alberta tomorrow, and my little holiday to visit family and friends out west has had its up and down moments, but mostly been really good. It's been fantastic to see my brother and crash at his new place, plus the road trip with my dad out here to see his family has been mostly happy. (Well, I would like to say some harsh words about the herd of noisy miniature schnauzers at my aunt's, but I'll refrain from that!)
Dad's mum went into a home recently, and they have been busy clearing out her home for sale; it's not an easy thing to do for one's parents, especially when they're not 'with it' enough to know what's really happening, but I have to admit that I had fun going through a couple of boxes, and I have inherited some really lovely pieces of jewellery that I will definitely treasure. (Mostly for sentimental reasons, rather than for any material value.) One of the things in the jewellery box that made the biggest impression on me is an RAF bracelet that she got from her first fiance before he was killed on duty in WWII. The family knows very little about him, although we now know from the bracelet that his name was Greg. It's such a sad story and, unfortunately, one that was not uncommon during that time. I have never been close to any of my grandparents, but at the same time, it gave me some partial insight into how she became who she was. And even though I didn't like that person most of the time whilst I was growing up, I know that understanding leads to forgiveness, and in that regard I feel very thankful to now know what I do.
I have been thinking a lot about identity, and what shapes who we are. I've especially been thinking about the issue in regards to context. My first few days in Calgary were difficult, partly because I still really don't like this city, and partly because I struggled a bit with seeing friends from the time I grew up here. They're all still wonderful people, but we're at very different places in life, as we have been for the past several years. This time that gap between us seemed more pronounced, though, and perhaps due in part to the fact that we are all 30 now, and the vast majority of girlfriends I saw now define themselves almost exclusively as mothers. I think that's awesome, they're great parents, and they have adorable kids, but when we get together, I feel that my identity is defined by my un-motherness. (Yes, I just made up that word. :) There is lots of talk about babies, and kids, and pregnancy, and being a mum, and I simply can't relate to any of it. So, I talk about still being single... and dating... and I end up taking on the role of 'the scandalous one' who's predicted to never settle down. And when, on top of this, I have family bugging me to get rid of my childhood toys, it makes me feel like everyone here has "given up on me", in terms of ever being in a long-term partnership, or in terms of having a child whom I can pass those things on to. In sum: it feels a little bit hurtful. I'm certainly no spinster at the reasonably young age of 30, even if that's what popular myth in our society might like to have me believe.
Now, don't get me wrong. I like being single - I'm happy as I am, I enjoy my independence, and I have a helluva lot of awesome adventures when I'm flying solo! (Go ahead - live vicariously through me! ;) Yes, it would be nice to find the right person, but he hasn't come along yet. That's all good. And the important thing is, there's way more to me and who I am than my single status. But here, where the people I know tend to be focused on their partners and their kids, my lack of those things ends up being what defines who I am when I'm in this place. (Well, that and the fact I've been in university for 12 years! The other question I get most frequently is "so, what are you actually going to do when you've finished?". But that's another blog post altogether.)
Living in Alberta always seemed difficult for me because I never felt like I fit in; now, to feel as though my identity here is constructed by the things I am not, I feel almost more alienated than I did all those years ago. Especially when the things I'm not are not things that I want in my life at this moment. I want to be recognised for my achievements and successes, and the good I have done in this world so far, just as I imagine most other people would want to be. So, is there a way to re-shape and re-define what my identity is in this part of the world so that I don't feel so out-of-sorts? I don't know. As I said, I'm many other things beyond single and childless, but the people here can't necessarily connect with those aspects of me. Maybe that's okay. And maybe it's also okay that coming back to this place is a mixed bag; it's great to see everyone, but the experience of being here also reminds me of why I left. And I'm thankful for that - if I hadn't, of course, I would be in a very different place in my life right now! When I think about it, I appreciate the reminders of why Alberta was never a good place for me because it also helps me to appreciate my home and friends in Toronto even more. It works to reaffirm that I have zero regrets, and that's pretty freakin' cool.
Well, it's late and I'm off to try and get adequate sleep before we head off to Calgary ridiculously early in the morning. I think the thing I'm looking forward to most about flying home on Friday is the sleep I'm going to get that night! Nice and long, and in my own bed. Also, I decided to end off my trip by taking in a performance on Thursday night of the Alberta Ballet's new ballet set to the music of Sarah McLachlan.
(Looks awesome from the short preview!) If it's anything like the one they did to the music of Joni Mitchell, it will be amazing, and the perfect way to end my holiday. I have a lot of work to do when I get back, but I'm excited to get into a writing and exercise schedule, and I think it will be good for me.
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